Creating the conditions for Service with a HUG to happen naturally
Reading time: 6 minutes
A quick catch-up. In the previous article we explored the topic of expectations. We looked at how expectations lead to disappointment which leads to complaining, which is toxic.
I shared my story of takeaway-meal-gate. And if it’s possible for me to have such a strong reaction to something as meaningless (in the grand scheme of things) as a takeaway meal, what could it feel like in the more ‘important’ areas of life?
Complaints, when not resolved, can soon turn into resentment, which can escalate into conflict and then people talk about irreconcilable differences.
In professional relationships this often leads to grievances and/or disciplinary action. All of which takes up precious time, money and energy that could otherwise be directed towards creating more success in the business.
Why make agreements?
A simple example is when people live under the same roof. I’m fortunate to own a house I rent out to sharers. They call it a ‘House in Multiple Occupation’ (HMO). I’ve seen what can happen when there are no agreements in place. No agreements means there are disagreements. People fall out over the smallest of things.
I like to be the voice of experience and ask questions at the outset. Who will take care of putting the bins out? What are the acceptable times for the washing machine to be running? How will things like toilet rolls and washing up liquid get replaced as they run out?
Simple stuff. And yet, really important!
So what?
In business you’ve probably been involved in ‘Service Level Agreements’ (SLAs) for on-going business relationships. It’s the business equivalent of what I was talking about above.
What are the things we need to agree in order for there to be no misunderstandings?
Things like response times and ‘what happens if…’ guidelines.
One area for me is responding to messages. I like to make an agreement that the message will be acknowledged within an agreed time frame. That way, we’re not wondering whether the message has been received and read. It’s not necessarily the response to the message, just acknowledging receipt of it. The quick acknowledgement also needs to include an indication of when the full response will be sent.
Not sure what agreements to make?
Call to mind anything that would annoy you if it didn’t go to plan. Definitely the ‘big’ things. You probably already have clear agreements in place there. Often it’s the ’small’ things that can really trigger a big emotional reaction. The assumptions we make. ‘They should know’. Best not leave it to chance.
So, why make agreements?
They bring so much more clarity to a relationship.
Coaching.
In 2018-19, my coach was Steve Chandler and, during those regular conversations, he shared with me what I’m sharing with you about agreements.
For me, this practice has been such a valuable contribution. It’s also one of many lasting changes that emerged from the time spent being coached by Steve on Zoom.
As a coach myself, during my conversations with managers, I sometimes hear them complaining about colleagues. They tell a story of how disappointed and frustrated they feel. They blame others for what occurred. My response will usually be a question.
“What was your agreement with them?”
The question usually leads to a quizzical look, accompanied by some version of these words, “But they should know, it’s what they get paid to do!”
Clearly there was some misunderstanding because they didn’t do it.
So then we would talk about expectations, disappointment, complaints and making requests. See previous article for much more on this.
Making a request leads to a conversation and from that conversation an agreement can emerge.
Here are a few top tips for making agreements:
- Live as your word. Be someone who can be relied upon to honour their commitments. Be the example to others.
- Ask the other person what they would need from you to be able to keep to the agreement. Offer your support.
- Summarise what has been agreed. From that point forward, you are managing the agreement, not the person or the relationship.
- If it’s an important agreement with a lot of detailed information, it’s worth having it in writing, just so you can both refer back to it.
- At the outset, agree how you are both going to deal with any aspect of the agreement not being kept. Agreements are the responsibility of both the parties who create them.
- Be willing to flex. If, in practice, it turns out that the agreement isn’t something that you can both live by, be willing to re-visit it. Ask questions. Engage your creativity. What else is possible?
- If you can’t reach agreement, be willing to hit the pause button and come back to it afresh. Some people need time to reflect.
- Practice is the key. Making requests can make it easier to talk to people – because so many of us shy away from having these uncomfortable conversations… and yet, there it is again – what you focus on grows. And if you’re focused on what’s not working, it will feel challenging to appreciate that person.
Mistake number one.
Asking someone, “Can you agree to X?” is not an agreement. This is an expectation disguising itself as an agreement. Agreements are designed and created in partnership. They are two-way, not one-way. People feel much more committed to something they have been involved in the creation of.
Mistake number two.
Once the agreement is made, that’s it. Job done.
Unfortunately not. It’s a living, breathing thing.
This means that you don’t just sit back and watch someone not fulfilling their agreement. If there’s something to be delivered on a certain date, don’t wait until that date to ask if the deadline will be met. It’s your responsibility to keep in touch and check in ahead of time. In that way, you may be able to offer some additional support if that is what’s required to ensure that commitments are met.
It’s possible that others will slip back into their previous pattern, so you may need to remind them of the agreement that was made.
Mistake number three.
‘Giving more notice’ is too vague. Be specific. Whenever possible, make it something measurable or tangible.
Mistake number four.
Trying to make an agreement in the middle of a high-pressure situation.
Create the agreement when things are calm and there is goodwill. It makes it much easier. Creating agreements when there is tension is challenging as people tend to be more defensive.
Mistake number five.
Here’s another one. Believing that, when the other person says yes to your request, they mean it.
Unfortunately that’s not always the case. Some people will say yes to your request because they want to please you. Especially if you’re their boss. But they won’t always feel committed to living by their word. That’s why it’s so important to co-create the agreement rather than it be purely something you’re asking them to agree to.
OK, that’s enough of that.
Credit where credit is due
As mentioned earlier, I learning this from Steve Chandler. If you want a deeper dive into the topic, there’s a 30-minute audio programme available on Steve’s website here: https://www.stevechandler.com/audio.html
I also recommend the book ‘Crazy Good’, one of 30+ excellent books written by Steve Chandler. It’s available on Amazon.
Full disclosure, I do not receive any financial benefit from any purchases you make via these links.
That’s it for now… until the next article, all the best!
Andy
Visit the blog for past articles:
1. Introduction
For anyone who would like to subscribe and receive future articles here’s the link: https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/466290/99732973632357611/share