Creating the conditions for Service with a HUG to happen naturally
Reading time: 8 minutes
Welcome to the next article in this series for Managers and Leaders. The story so far can be summarised in seven words:
‘You get more of what you appreciate‘
Let’s now develop that a bit further…
A true story.
Recently, my partner and I ordered a takeaway meal. Delivery wasn’t available so we drove into town to collect it. When we got home and opened up the bag, we discovered that a mistake had been made with my partner’s main dish.
What we were given wasn’t something that she wanted to eat.
What to do? The food is all laid out, ready to enjoy. Do we really want to drive back into town? No. We just shared the rest of the food and actually, it turned out there was plenty for us both.
What was fascinating to me was a strong sense of disappointment for my partner. It seemed that I was more disappointed than she was.
But then she has always been the more enlightened one in the relationship!
I did a lot of complaining about the restaurant. Not all of it out loud, but my internal dialogue was extremely negative. Lots of blaming and judging. And then I realised what was going on.
There was much complaining about the restaurant. But there was no complaining to the restaurant.
They were totally unaware of what had happened. As I played out in my mind the scenario of letting them know, I realised that because it was a telephone order, there was no definitive record of what had been ordered. And, even if they agreed that they had messed up, what would they do about it? Refund the cost of wrong dish? Big deal. It hardly makes up for the feelings I had experienced during and after the meal.
My reflections.
It occurred to me, once the ego had calmed down, that I had unmet expectations. The reason for my upset wasn’t what happened, it was what I was making it mean.
Also, I was entirely focused on what was wrong, rather than what there was to appreciate.
Not so clever after all, Andy!
Will I use that restaurant again? I’m really not sure. If we don’t return, the restaurant won’t know why. Actually, they probably won’t even notice we’ve gone.
Questions about your business.
Is it possible that some of your customers have unmet expectations and complain about you but not to you?
Are there customers who don’t return for reasons they haven’t shared with you (but have probably shared with many others)?
We don’t know what we don’t know about our customers.
A second true story.
Contrast this with another experience of a takeaway meal from a different restaurant on another occasion.
By the way, we don’t just live on takeaway food in our house!
But it is something we enjoy occasionally. But for me, as you can tell, I only enjoy it when they don’t mess up the order!
So, same scenario, the restaurant got the order wrong. (Is it us??) We let them know. Their response was amazing.
The owner of the restaurant drove to our home to apologise in person and bring us a bottle of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc.
That was beyond our expectations! And how did he know that’s our favourite white wine? That part remains a mystery. Spooky.
Have we used that restaurant again? Hell, yeah!
That’s Service with a HUG!
Managing expectations.
We must know what our customers’ expectations are. That way, we know in advance whether it’s possible for them to be a happy customer. We’ll find out if it’s possible to meet or exceed their expectations and create a ‘fan’ of our business – which is what we want, right? And it’s what they want to be too.
If the customer’s expectations are beyond what you’re able to offer (for whatever reasons), you’re better off being up-front about it.
You don’t want to create a disappointed customer. And they don’t want to be a disappointed customer.
Maybe there is a supplier who does offer what they want. Service with a HUG would recommend that supplier if it was in the customer’s best interest. You don’t want their custom at any cost. That’s just going to create challenging situations later on. You’ll be creating a disappointed, complaining customer and that’s damaging to the business and can also impact team morale. As we know, customers don’t just complain to you. They’ll also complain about you to others.
So, as well as the benefits, make customers aware of any potential down sides.
A great example of this is the holiday rental company Plum Guide. For every property they offer (and thousands don’t make the grade), they have a section called ‘Home truths’. This is where they let you know about the ‘down sides’ – just so that you’re not disappointed. For example, ’It’s on a main road so there could be traffic noise’. And if that’s a deal-breaker for you, you’ll be able to choose a different property.
That’s integrity. That’s Service with a HUG!
Questions about your team.
How do you feel when your expectations of people in the team are met?
Yes, it’s what you want. But you’re hardly going to be joyfully punching the sky. The best we can hope for is a kind of relief, a neutral box-ticking in the mind.
After all, they did what was expected of them – nothing to write home about there. That’s how it’s supposed to be, right?
How do you feel when your expectations of team members are not met?
Disappointed? Frustrated? Let down? Whatever it is, it’s not an enjoyable feeling.
“When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment”
Ryan Reynolds (another legendary philosopher)
Expectations drive disappointment.
Disappointment drives complaining.
Complaining is toxic.
We all do it.
We all have expectations. I do. You do. Your team members do. Your customers do. Your suppliers do. Beyond the business, family and friends do too.
To hear a manager or leader complaining about others is really them saying, “I feel powerless to do anything to change it”. That’s because they make others responsible for what is happening and it leads them to conclude that there’s nothing that can be done.
What if they questioned that conclusion?
It’s a total waste of energy complaining to someone about someone else. And while this may seem really obvious, so many of us continue to do it.
Change happens from having a conversation with the person themselves.
Of course this might feel uncomfortable and that’s normal. Whenever we do anything new or different, it can often feel uncomfortable at first. Practice is the key.
And an easy way to create healthy relationships is to deal with expectations, disappointment and complaining. How? Read on…
A far better way…
What if, rather than complaining about someone you made a request to them?
Complaining puts the focus on what is. A request puts the focus on what might be possible.
How do you make a request?
Ask for what you want. Make a clear and simple request to the person.
An example.
Imagine you work with someone who always expects things done last minute, which creates pressure for you.
You could make a request of them that they give you more time. You could say you want to do a great job for them. In order to do this you would need a day’s notice. Be specific in your request.
What happens next?
If they say yes, take the next step. Make an agreement.
What if they don’t say yes to the request?
Ask for more information. What would they be able to agree to? Could they make a counter suggestion?
You are searching for the basis of an agreement that you can both honour and live by, moving forward.
You might be thinking, ‘This seems really simple’ – and it is. At the same time, it takes practice. There are a number of subtleties to be aware of.
So we’ll be taking a deeper dive into agreements in the next article.
Feeling really courageous?
Invite your team to share their complaints with you. And listen. No defence, no push back. Just listen. Be curious. And then ask them what their requests would be.
In summary.
- Expectations can lead to disappointment. Disappointment leads to complaining. Complaining is toxic.
- When we notice ourselves complaining, it’s an invitation to focus on what there is to appreciate. (Andy’s note to self: just focus on enjoying the yummy food that is there, not on what’s missing!)
- Remember the article, ‘What you focus on grows’ (Link) When we focus on what there is to complain about, it grows in importance. When we focus on what there is to appreciate, it changes our experience. And there will be times when we forget to do it (as my story about the takeaway meal demonstrates). However, the more we practice it, the more natural it feels. We’re setting up new habits of thought.
- Instead of complaining, make a request. The request opens up a conversation, out of which an agreement can emerge.
- If someone is complaining to you, simply ask, ‘what is your request?’
- If a team member comes to you and starts complaining about someone else, redirect them to the person they need to make a request to.
- As with most things, practice makes this easier.
That’s it for now… until the next article, all the best!
Andy
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1. Introduction
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