Creating the conditions for Service with a HUG to happen naturally
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In the previous article we examined the possibilities that open up when we become more aware of what we are focusing on.
In this article we’ll be exploring the impact of consciously choosing appreciation as our focus in any given moment.
If you’ve been practicing, what you may have realised is how open to different thinking the human mind really is. It’s almost like installing a new programme, the way we might do with a computer.
Help is available
WhatsApp has been a contribution to my own journey with this. I’m in a WhatsApp group that is specifically aimed at training the mind to think differently. The invitation to those of us in the group is to post three things daily that we appreciate. Simple. And even if we’re having a really bad day, there’s always something to appreciate. Sometimes it can be the simple things – ‘I appreciate having eyes to see with’ or ‘I appreciate being indoors, warm and dry, when it’s so cold and wet outside’ or ‘I appreciate my pet dog who is always so pleased to see me’. You get the idea. It’s flexing a muscle – forming a new habit of thought, a different focus.
And this is creative – it creates a different experience of life. Not only that, a different emotion that goes with it.
Appreciating people in the team
Words can be a powerful way to uplift another. And it starts with us appreciating ourselves. We can’t give what we don’t have. In the words of the great philosopher, RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
As a manager or leader, the relationship you have with your team is key. The results come through the people in the team.
You can’t do everything yourself (although some managers give it a good go). This approach just creates low-trust relationships. Focus on what the people in your team are there to do. Your attention is on them.
So, how are they? What do they require in order to do their job to the highest possible standard?
As humans, we often put people in boxes. We label them. Maybe you’ve experienced some team members as ‘difficult’ or ‘lazy’ or ‘unreliable’. I’ve certainly done that. But can we be absolutely certain of what we believe?
We have our own version of others, based on a story in our mind. And guess what… we get more of what we focus on. We get confirmation of our story about that person. Anything that doesn’t fit, doesn’t register. The mind dismisses it.
When you keep pointing out to people what’s wrong, here’s what can happen:
- They start believing the story you have about them
- They lose confidence
- Their head drops, they become demoralised
- Resentment can build up and they become a toxic influence in the team
But people are never all ‘bad’ or all ‘good’. That’s the binary working of the mind. No, there’s always something to appreciate and there’s always room for improvement – in everyone.
So, be curious (legendary philosopher, Ted Lasso)
Here’s a question. What might happen if we started to focus on what there is to appreciate about each person in the team? What do you think might happen?
- Here’s what could possibly happen:
- People might feel better about themselves
- People might feel that their contribution is valued more
- People might feel inspired to bring more of those qualities to their role and their life generally
- You might begin to experience those people differently
- You might start to notice other qualities to appreciate in them – things you hadn’t noticed before
I’m not talking about inventing things. People can smell BS a mile away. No, it’s just about acknowledging someone when they’ve done something you appreciate.
Or maybe it’s not even something they’ve done, but just some quality or characteristic in them that you can appreciate. This does require looking in that direction – in order to have something to say to them!
The (very simple yet extremely powerful) practical part
The first step is to notice, to be ’tuned in’. We’ve talked about that. Once you’ve noticed something to appreciate (and it doesn’t matter how big or small you think it is), as soon as possible, let the person know what it is you appreciate.
And be as specific as you can. Here’s an example:
“I appreciate how good you are with customers” is one form of appreciation. It’s a start, and yet it’s rather vague and may not seem particularly sincere to the recipient.
Alternatively, “I really appreciate how you took care of Mr. Jones today. I noticed how patient you were with him when he was asking all those questions and was taking ages to make his mind up. You really went out of your way to ensure he was happy with his visit to us, thank you.”
Can you see how much more impactful that would be?
What you might notice at first is some people finding it difficult to receive the appreciation. They might say things like, ‘Oh it was nothing’ or, ‘I’m just doing my job’. Encourage them to just say ‘thank you’, receive it and feel good.
What impact do you think this might have?
Is it possible that team members will be encouraged to do more of what you appreciate about them? They will probably feel valued by you. You’re offering positive reinforcement.
What about those aspects that people need to improve?
I’m not saying don’t help people raise their game. It’s just that there’s a time and a place for it. Be sure to keep the appreciation pure.
Here’s what can happen when you try to mix the two together.
Read out loud one of the appreciation statements above and add this piece at the end, “But we need to talk about your timekeeping. You’ve been late for work three times already this month”. How do they feel now? The appreciation you gave has been deleted – the ‘added extra’ at the end just cancelled it out completely.
There’s a more subtle version of this – comparison. Read the second example (dealing with Mr Jones) with this extra sentence added, “So much better than how you dealt with Mrs Smith". Ouch! Your intention was to appreciate and you missed the mark.
In summary
- In every moment, focus on what there is to appreciate – with yourself, the team and in all situations. If there’s nothing obvious, go looking for it. There’s ALWAYS something to appreciate!
- As soon as you can, share your appreciation with the team member, being as specific as possible
- Keep the appreciation pure – no added buts!
- If they seem to be having difficulty receiving the appreciation, encourage them to just say ‘thank you’ and to feel good about it
- Consider ways in which you can support and reinforce this change of mindset (for me, one way is the WhatsApp group)
- Notice what this practice does for you – not just for others!
And, “That’s all there is to it!" (famous philosopher, Bruce Forsyth)
Until the next article, all the best!
Andy